Monday, April 6, 2009

James and Alexandra

More play writing. Just something I coughed up in Bible and Psychology....

James: Come on. Just focus. We’re almost done.
Alexandra: Almost done? We have to cut that other part too!
James: If you didn’t move so slowly we’d be done already.
Alexandra: This is my first time actually doing this. I’m not gonna move as fast as you do, James.
James: Ugh. Just hurry up. I have a reservation for us at 8 and we have to get ready. I don’t want the restaurant to cancel it because we’re late.
Alexandra: I know. I know. I’ll just finish this limb and then come upstairs. You can go and start getting ready.
James: Ok. But hurry. I don’t want us to be late.
Alexandra: Ok. Ok. I will.
[Phone rings after JAMES goes upstairs]
Alexandra: Hello...Hello... Is anyone there... Ugh. (Hangs up phone) Stupid crank callers. Now the phone is all bloody. Ugh. I’m done for the night. JAMES!!!
James: (Coming back downstairs) What? I was just going to hop into the shower.
Alexandra: Can you give me a hand and help me put this woman’s ridiculously heavy head in the deep freezer, please? I’ll move the limbs to the other freezer and we’ll just cover the torso. It’s cold enough down here for it not to smell right?
James: Yes. Oh, you’re starting to sound like me. I’m so flattered!!!
Alexandra: Oh please. Just move the damn head. You’re wasting time flattering yourself.
[Half hour later. Walking out the door]
Alexandra: Which car should we take? Camaro or Audi?
James: Audi. By the way, you look absolutely stunning tonight.
Alexandra: Oh, whatever. (Rolls eyes and chuckles) Let’s g—
Stranger: You. You there! My mother is in your basement! Let her out now!
James: (Stepping in front of ALEXANDRA) What are you talking about? Who is your mother?
Stranger: My mother is in your basement! Let her go now!!
Alexandra: (whispers to JAMES) Should I call the police?
James: (To ALEXANDRA) Yea. Tell them to hurry. (To STRANGER) Can you calm down please? Why do you think you mother is in our basement?
Stranger: Because she is! I saw you take her down there! LET HER OUT!!!
[Five minutes later]
Police: What seems to be the problem here?
James: This man came up to while we were leaving and started yelling and saying that his mother was in our basement. He wouldn’t go away.
Stranger: (Yelling hysterically) She’s down there! Go look for yourself! She’s there!
Police: (To JAMES) Can we look; for procedural purposes?
James: Sure. I’ll let you guys in through the garage. It’s faster.
Alexandra: Ugh (Pulls garage door lever while also pulling another lever)
[Fifteen minutes later]
Police: (To STRANGER) Well, sir, we’ve searched the house and your mother is nowhere in there. We’ll have to bring you with us for harassment and disturbance of peace.
Stranger: SHE’S DOWN THERE!!! I know it!!!
Police: Mister, we’ve searched all over. You mother is not here.
Alexandra: (Under her breath) Not in one piece.
Stranger: But—
Police: (To JAMES) I’m so sorry for this.
Alexandra: It’s not your fault. Thank you for coming. There’s one less mentally disturbed person on the street. (Chuckles)
James: Yea. Thanks. Bur we need to get going. We have a reservation that we’re already late for.
Police: Ok. Have a good night.
Stranger: (As police drive away) MY MOTHER!!!
James: Well, technically his mother isn’t in the basement. (Laughs)
Alexandra: Yea. Ha. Just pieces of her.

*****Disclaimer: Contrary to popular belief, I am not messed up in the head. I just have a huge imagination.